The current series of MasterChef Australia is playing on NZ tele and I’ve been following it as avidly as America follows the presidential campaign.
And although most of the remaining contestants are lovely and polite and smiley and friendly and obviously quite amazing cooks, I still find a reason to dislike each of them.
Maybe it’s the insecure part of me, or the jealous part of me or just the fact that I’m just, plain and simple, a bit of a judgmental bitch. Perhaps I am craving some kind of controversy from the series, as there have been heroes and villains in the last few series I’ve watched. Or, perhaps it’s that I’ve come to expect people to despise in reality tv series and since this one is lacking, I’ve created (irrational) excuses to not like them:
- Deb – the grey haired one: she continues to lose her shit in group challenges and has proved time and time again she cannot lead
- Audra – the token Asian: I can’t hate her because she’s a minority. I’m mean, I’m not a racist. So…my reason to dislike her is…
- Alice – The girl with the skrillex glasses: her skrillex glasses. And her childlike wonder at every little thing! And how she says “thank you” far too much. Like she was just awarded a Nobel prize for cookery. It seems a little forced.
- Julia – The other girl with glasses and blonde hair: now this one could be potentially bitchy but instead, she eeks ever so close to the realms of bitchy and then pulls back. She’s clever and a little bit sneaky and she’s a god damn know it all with one of those know it all type faces but helps people out a lot so you don’t think she’s being two faced about it. Bitch.
- Mindy & Kylie – The attractive blonde ones: every time they’re asked to help out in a master class (esp Mindy), she goes into what I like to call “I am possibly in the running to be a tv celebrity chef if I win this contest so I need to start commentating even though Gary is clearly getting a bit annoyed” mode. Kylie is more of a “my two cents from the audience” kinda gal.
- Beau: Hmmm, hard to find a fault. He wanted to be a fire fighter or a policeman or something equally honourable but instead got to be a finalist on MasterChef and decided to cook instead. Thanks Beau. Thanks for choosing cooking over saving lives, rescuing cats out of trees, stopping bad guys and training security guards when you retire. You’re really making a contribution to us all. You selfish bastard.
- Andy – tall and goofy lookin’: he cried once. Or twice. He is a school teacher outside of MasterChef. To think, a man cried on national television and you want him shaping the minds of your children?! Sick.
- Bert AKA Wade: he looks like the Sesame Street character. Maybe Bert has hair, I forget. This guy has less hair than the heel of your foot but his EYEBROWS make up for it! Yikes! Is it hygienic for an aspiring chef to have that much eyebrow hair?
- Ben – could be mistaken for Beau if you just started watching: other than the fact he might have a (b)romance going with one of the other contestants *cough* Ben! *cough* he’s kinda non stand out when it comes to nit picking. So he’s safe.
But for how long? There’s at least another four months of the series as no-one seems to go home, or they all just look the same to me now. The niceness has mooshed them into one big group of mooshiness.
ALSO…since MasterChef’s inception back in about 2008(?) the contestants seem to have taken it upon themselves to sound as “cheffy” as possible by using terms they’ve heard the judges use.
They have claimed the following words/phrases as their own:
- on the palate
- depth of flavour
- laaaayering of flavours
- blends well with
Whatever happened to a good old “I’m not sure what it is, but this is fucking amazing!”?
Aside from being the bitter tart that I am, as a bit of an amateur/aspiring cook myself, I envy the position these people are in and I could probably not do as great a job as they are doing.
Their sweetness makes me sick but I can’t wait for the next episode.