Tag Archives: husband

A little bit o’ lonely

It’s been a while…

I felt so lonely last Sunday. I’d hoped to catch up with a friend but it didn’t eventuate. My husband and my sister were both at work and I was alone.

I get a bit anxious when I’m alone and don’t want to be, but there isn’t anyone available to spend time with. I’m so used to being with my husband and having him around so I can make strange noises and have them acknowledged, or read something interesting and share it, to mostly sit in silence while we do our own thing but just to have the company. 

I’m OK being alone, when I choose to be. But when I don’t want to be, and I have no comfortable option of company, I don’t like it. It plants seeds of negativity into my thoughts and because I have too much time to spend nurturing these thoughts, they grow into ugly, nastiness. 

I spent a large portion of time alone when I lived in Australia, before I went travelling and I struggled with it so much. The reason I’d moved there in the first place was because I felt lonely in NZ. Everyone I knew was doing their own thing, whether they were wrapped up in work or relationships or new circles of friends, I didn’t factor into anyone’s life, in a major way, which left me feeling lonely. I wanted to be thought of on a regular basis without having to put myself right in front of someone and be like “hey! I’m here! pay attention to me!”. That, to me, is a touch needy and I’m of the thinking that if someone wants to spend time with you, they will get in touch and arrange it.

So, I moved to Australia as a friend of mine said she had experienced similar feelings of loneliness and it’d be great to have me there so we could be un-lonely together. Two weeks before I arrived, she started a new relationship. As much as I wanted her to be happy and to be able to get on with her new love without a sad friend hanging about, it just didn’t work out that way. They did their best to include me and invite me to do things, which I went along with in the beginning, but as time went by, I just felt like a third wheel and craved her by herself but didn’t want to offend her by saying so. I still felt very lonely and did my best to make friends where I worked. I clicked with a couple of people but the friendships either moved away or had other things going on that I didn’t feel I could include myself in. 

I spent a lot of time at home, watching movies, TV series and contemplating why I felt so lonely. I was also saving to travel, so as much as I’d like to think that it was convenient for me to stay at home and do nothing, it was not really what I wanted to be doing. I wanted to be included, invited, thought of. But I wasn’t. And it made me think that maybe it was my fault that I wasn’t being thought of. It must be something I was doing that made people not want to spend time with me.

I became needy in the fact that I wanted to be included. Not the most attractive trait, I was aware of that, but I just wanted to be included! 

I left Australia to go travelling and before I left I knew I needed to make as much effort as possible to avoid these feelings of loneliness while I was travelling. I put myself out there, I talked to people, I instigated activities and invited everyone along and people loved it. I felt liked and included and generally really good. I was good at the travelling thing. I still got lonely, mostly when travelling between countries. I’d be listening to music on my iPod that reminded me of people and I’d shed a tired tear or two in memory of the good times with friends. Nearing each new destination I’d hear other passengers cellphones ring or beep because there was a loved one waiting for them and wanted to check how far away they were – this made me especially sad because I knew I was arriving to no one. I was completely on my own. But I’d chosen this so I had to deal with it. And I did. It was OK because I knew I’d reach a hostel where I’d meet a bunch of other people who wanted to make new friends and were all on the same page.

Canada was my least lonely time as I felt I was surrounded with great people. I lived with an amazing flat mate who was a mutual friend of a friend that I didn’t know very well before we lived together. but I found such a good friend in her. She thought of me when we weren’t together, she took me into consideration based on being around me a lot and knowing when I wasn’t feeling great, or appreciating the little things I would do for her because I genuinely love doing things for other people. This, coupled with the jobs I had and the love that I had found in Scott made me forget about the loneliness I’d felt in the past and it was, by far, one of the happiest times in my life.

But then the flatmate moved to England and I wasn’t working with the same people – instead I was working mostly on my own in a physio clinic with older women who worked hard and left me to my own devices. My job was very unfulfilling but necessary and I had far too much time to think about all the things I could’ve been doing. Again, due to not knowing what the outcome of an immigration application was going to be, I had to stay put. I still had Scott and a couple of connections, friend wise, but felt like I didn’t have a good buddy outside of my relationship.

Some people get into relationships and that person becomes the be all and end all of their lives. And they have great couple friends to hang out with and, from the outside, it looks like they have it all. And I know people who feel like they do have it all, and that’s great! But my work (because I’m not in my chosen field yet, due to the whole “trying to get back to Canada to start my life” thing) and my husband are not the be all and end all of my life. Work is just work. It fulfills a certain need to feel helpful and like I’m making a difference and also an income, but it stops there. Scott, who I love to pieces and is one of the best things to have happened to me is wonderful and supportive and accommodating and patient and kind but before him all I had were my friends. And I had amazing times with these friends, separately and together. And perhaps I live in the past a little bit and want to re-create these good times, but is that so bad? Is it so bad to desire regular contact with the people I love without me being the one who has to make the effort all the time?

I am known for being very good at keeping in touch among my friends because I like to know what people are doing. I am generally interested in what others are up to and I make an effort to find out. 

I struggle to find things to do by myself because nothing seems to satisfy. Sure, I could go for a walk or read a book or whatever, and I do those things and I enjoy them from time to time, but during and after I’ve done those things, all I really want is a little decent company. And not so we can go on elaborate, expensive adventures together, just someone to hang out with. Another body in the room who knows me well and who I know well, someone I can be comfortable to do nothing with and is happy to be doing the same.

I often feel as if my need to know what others are doing is because I have no life of my own. But I am for the people – that is what I want, what I crave. While my work is not my life and my husband is not my life (don’t get me wrong, I do love him VERY much and he fulfills a massive part of the loneliness irks, but I am not the kind of girl who was ever going to be obsessed with her partner enough to forget about everything she had before he came along), I want to be around the people I love. But when it occurs to me, in my darker hours, that I am the one making about 90% of the effort, it makes me sad.

I don’t like to be sad but I also don’t like to be taken for granted.

Unsure what this post achieves but getting it out makes me feel better and hopefully, by just putting it out there, maybe someone else who feels the same will be comforted by the fact they are not alone in their loneliness. 

I know life is good. It could be a lot worse, but sometimes it is harder to look on the bright side. Perhaps I even look to the wrong friends for the comfort I need. I have a bevvy of very good friends and the ones that make the effort are the ones I appreciate the most. To those good friends: I thank you and I think of you often and fondly 🙂

 

Things up coming

As I drink my #6 strength Nespresso coffee and wait for my hot muesli to cool down, I procrastinate doing my work by listening to music on You Tube. I always listen to  “you tube mix” because I am terrible at thinking of music to listen to. I always seem to default to Deftones or Fleetwood Mac. Anyway, during an earlier play list, the start of my songs were interrupted by ads of the new movie “The Great Gatsby” which I really want to see! The trailer gets me every time and you really can’t go wrong with Leo. To be honest, I didn’t actually know who or what the GG was so I googled, naturally. Wikipedia told me it was a book – which I feel like I kind of knew – and that it was about a guy who becomes intrigued with his lavish neighbour; Set in the 20’s I think, on Long Island and with undertones of being cautious of the American dream. It all sounded good to me! And I love going to the movies. It’s crazy pricey these days here in NZ – movies come out so quick you might as well buy a big screen tele and wait for it to come out on DVD – but the movies are neat. Especially in tiny boutique cinemas. Those are the best.

So, this is an upcoming movie. Something to look forward to. It got me thinking of other upcoming things. I shall share, in no particular order:

  • moving out of our flat on Saturday – we were politely asked to leave. Now, I know that sharing that is not painting me and husband in the greatest light. But in our defence, we are an old married couple (ripe old late 20s old) and don’t drink to excess 2+ nights a week anymore, we are quiet and considerate and we likes what we likes. We are not uptight, stuffy or prudish. We go out, we socialise, we even drink and do naughty things on the odd occasion, with people we choose to be around. This conflicts with the current flatties who like to drink, in excess, make noise in the wee hours (including those of the sesual nature…with their DOOR OPEN!! ok, so that was only once, so far, but still… gross) and just be single in general. So yeah, they said a couple had “changed the dynamic” and it wasn’t working. Fair enough, we were only there because it’s cheap. I was a bit devastated as being asked to leave an abode is never the nicest, but it was all amicable and polite etc. We have found a place with a friends ma just a couple blocks that way and we look forward to the uninterrupted small hours of the morn and general peace and quiet.
  • What else, oh yes, above mentioned friend’s birthday this Friday – an excuse to drink in excess and prove current flatmates wrong. Even though they won’t be there to see it, I can, and will, party with the best of them. I’ll be in bed by at least midnight. Rock on!
  • The Banff Mountain Film Festival in Hamiltron, city of the future – 29th June. We went last year and it was AWESOME. Real life, amateur, outdoor films made by really amazing people, not the usual rental from United Video. And by the way, when you DO want to rent such a film – where the bloody hell do you get it? DVD stores these days have a real lack in outdoor amateur films. Is this a niche market? Do I need to learn to be geekier to find and illegally download stuff online?
  • Man, this coffee is good…
  • What else, what else…? Finding out whether Scotty can stay in NZ – only 17 more days til his current visa runs out. Ooooh last minute much? I guess I don’t really look forward to finding out as such, only if the news is good – then yes, very much looking forward to that. If it’s bad, then not looking forward to sending him back to Canada. How can they not let him stay? If you read this and you work for NZ immigration and you’re processing my husband’s application – take into consideration that only a crazy person would go to the lengths of setting up a blog to write about her life and constantly mention her husband to convince immigration that he was really her husband because one day he might put in an application to stay in the country. I am not that person. Crazy yes. Dumb? No. He is real, he really needs to stay so I don’t spend the next five months a bit empty. 
  • My sister having a baby. She is SO pregnant! She lives in Melbourne so I only saw her at the start of the year when she had a barely pregnant belly. She pops out the sprog at the beginning of July and I wlll be an Aunty for the first time. Not much of a baby person, but then when it’s family, I guess it’s different. And by the time I can visit, the little one will be less of a squiggly, mini deer in the headlights and much more enjoyable to be around. Now to find a present…

That’s all I can think of right now. As an after thought, do you like the way these blog entries end up just being about nothing really? To me it seems it’s only a useful blog if you know me in real life  and maybe want to keep up to date with my off the cuff persona. I’d like to know what you are up to, even if I don’t know you in real life. Tell me. 

Sleep, love and cook books

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I was snappy, tired, lacking energy, motivation and the will to carry on. OK  so the last part is a bit dramatic but I am SO over this job and just want it to be over.

I handed in my notice on the 1st of November, making my last day the 30th of November. I have two and a half weeks to go but I have seriously lost the will to do this job. My chair lacks foam cushioning so even just sitting here all day is a pain in the bum! Literally! And my employers are too cheap to invest in a decent chair for me as that was an investment they made quite some time ago and aren’t prepared to invest again any time soon because it’s not in their budget. Their staff are not really in their budget apart from our wages.

Anyway…hating is not helping.

I struggled through the day yesterday, longing to be outside in the glorious sunshine and 21 degrees mother nature was sharing with us. My breakfast smoothie tasted like plastic so I had to throw it out to then eat cornflakes and milk – both “no-no’s” on my paleo list. First fail. Then lunch was no better as the dressing I’m using is starting to taste like poison after having taken sugar out of my diet. This item has sugar in it and it cuts my taste buds! The egg for my lunch salad was not boiled to perfection and parts of it looked like mucus which made me want to gag with every mouthful. Second fail. The rest of the afternoon I felt like snapping at anyone that talked to me; I think I did well not to snap, actually. Small win. When I got home I put on my exercise clothes and prepared to do a Jillian Michaels workout but the computer is old and was struggling as much as I was to work. Third and final fail. So I gave up on that, cooked a piece of bacon and fried an egg, ate it and lay down on the couch, watching Rick Steins Mediterranean Adventures.  I heart that man – always something interesting to say. Though, he does look like a man who could snap at any minute…

An hour later I was asleep. I had slept fine the night before so realistically I shouldn’t have been tired. But I’m SO drained, mentally, physically and emotionally from this job. It’s stealing precious positivity from me and I resent the crap out of it! All I felt like doing yesterday was curling up and going to sleep and forgetting about the world. I don’t know about you, but this sounds like a symptom of depression! I’m not being OTT here, I don’t actually feel depressed but I am stressed which is leading to a bit of a Ctrl+Alt+delete situation. I’ve experienced this before and I get through it to the end but once it’s over, I crash. It’s not pretty.

BUT!!! Silver lining!!! I am married to a bloody rock of a man who has endless patience for my bitching and moaning! I woke up from my nap with him on the other couch, quietly munching on a pear and playing on his smart phone. He had even bought me a wee present – the Jamie Oliver 30 min meal cookbook I’ve wanted for over a year now. Such a gem!! He knew I’d had a bad day and that I’ve hated my job for months so his attempt to cheer me up was in lieu of this. It worked 🙂 I love Jamie Oliver and those 30 min meals are delicious!!! I gave Scott a hug and a kiss and shed a few small tears saying “I’ve had too many bad days lately”.

The nap and the present had me feeling more like myself so I cooked dinner even though it was Scott’s turn. After dinner we went for a walk around the lifestyle blocks that surround our street and when I got home I watched the rest of the Sex and the City movie. A shitty day had turned into quite a nice evening.

Sleep, love and cook books – all so good for the soul.

the universe told me to do it

In the past week or so the word “paleo” has been popping up. Mostly through searches I’ve done on-line for other things, on TV and also in articles I’ve read. I think I generally like the way the word sounds too because I have this weird thing where a word will just stay in my head for a while and it repeats over and over. It’s annoying so eventually I have to find out what it is, or what it means. So, today while I was watching “Food researchers” on my break from work, one of the segments focussed on following a couple for a month while they subjected themselves to the paleolithic diet.

Tests were done at the start to measure blood pressure, cholesterol, fat and muscle mass as well as body measurements. Basically, if you didn’t click the link on paleolithic just before, the diet means you cast yourself back to the stone age – when man was a hunter gatherer. Back when we didn’t know about the magical world of farming; we caught and ate whatever we could to stay alive, as well as eating the fruits, vegetable and nuts that grew around us.

The basis behind why this diet works is genetics. For 150,000 we’ve existed and for 140,000 of those years we ate like hunter-gatherers. Now, after the industrialisation of farming and the harvesting of grains, the production of dairy etc, our genetic build up has not had time to catch up. Hence why gluten intolerance and caeliac disease is more and more prominent in our lives, and also intolerances to dairy. Now, I know it could be argued that people are allergic to nuts so why are they OK in the diet? I can’t answer this, I’m not a scientist… sorry.

After a month, the couple had each lost about 5kgs by eating bacon and eggs every day for breakfast (Scott’s dream), a (grass fed) meat protein of their choosing with salad or other vegetables and dinner the same. This is essentially a very healthy diet so it’s no wonder they lost weight.

Being that I am on a quest to trim down and get healthier, this spoke to me for a few reasons. I have a gluten intolerance but for some reason I also have an aversion to chick peas, lentils, peas and pumpkin seeds – to name a few. Why? Because they contain lectins. Bloody lectins! What’s a lectin you ask? It’s this: Lectins are carbohydrate-binding proteins that are found in most plants, particularly seeds and tubers such as cereal crops, potatoes, and beans (legumes). And why do they cause you discomfort Jenna? Because: click here.

I didn’t know that lectins were something I should avoid. Well, no, I knew the foods that make me feel funny were foods I should avoid. But I was ignoring it because I didn’t know the science behind it…until I read this article (which I thought was genuis!): http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/10/04/the-beginners-guide-to-the-paleo-diet/ it’s mostly about the paleolithic diet but mentioned the lectins thing as well which got me thinking…could they be in that pea flour that makes that tasty, tasty bhuja mix I love so much?! Sadly, yes.

He, the fitness nerd, answers all those little doubtful questions you’d have about why you shouldn’t start on this diet. I’m not pushing it and saying it should be for everyone, because we don’t all have aversions to wheat, dairy, lentils etc, I’m just sharing it because it’s something I think makes such sense to me personally. And with the universe putting it subtly in front of me for about 9 days now, I thought I’d follow my nose and see what I found. I won’t claim to be an expert after reading one article, just an advocate in waiting.

I’d already agreed to start a “no sugar” buzz with my friend Melissa. That started today; Halloween of all the days! Haha! But I live on an industrial street and no kids would dare come this far out of suburbia – where all the good candy is anyway. No temptation here.

Paleolithic is no sugar so this works out perfectly. Now to get Scott to follow along… More meat dear? Shouldn’t be too hard… 🙂

Things I will struggle with: adding more meat into my diet. I already eat pretty much pescatarian except that we have meat about three nights a week for dinner, fish once and vegetarian the other nights, otherwise, my breakfast and lunches are vegetarian or pescatarian. It’ll be a bit of an adjustment, but I think I like the fitness nerd’s suggestion to have a cheat day. One day to indulge in lentils, peas, foccacia, brie, blue cheese, pasta…drooool…
I’ll also struggle with the cost as well. BUT, fitness nerd made such a good point: “why not spend a little extra now to avoid costly medical bills in the future?” I’d much rather spend the money for happy, grass fed beef, pork and chicken than be paying through the nose for heart surgery and be on a waiting list for several years while I pop a pill every day to keep me alive. Blerk!

Wait, wait, wait…what did you say? Sorry, speak louder? You in the back there! Oh? Eggs? Cholesterol? Bad to eat every day?! No, no, NO my friend!! You CAN eat eggs every day because we don’t get cholesterol FROM our food (well, a little bit – about a quarter. But…), it’s a product the body produces anyway. Mr Liver is best at it. But when we eat too many refined carbs – things our bodies aren’t quite genetically used to dealing with as efficiently as the paleolithic suggestions – it produces too much of the bad cholesterol and that’s when we get sticky arteries and have heart attacks and die.

An egg a day? A OK!

I feel ridiculously positive about this new change I’m about to embark on because as much as I was like “vegetarian is better for the environment and the animals and my colon” I’ve found that eating vegetarian hasn’t really offered me the benefits I assumed it would. It actually makes my colon very unhappy 😦 This is due to the fact that protein replacements come in the form of legumes and grains which don’t agree with me. I know, no quinoa! So fun to say and so delicious but hates me! How can this be?! Oh yeah…lectins. For the record, in case you think I’m going to become a meat eating, animal killing, green house gas advocating nazi, I won’t go out and buy battery hens and grain fed cows and pigs to satisfy my paleo needs. I’ll be researching further the vegetarian/paleo diet hybrid if such a thing even exists.

Where I live, there is no organic butchery. There is a farmers market though which I might, nay… I will go and check out this Saturday. It’ll be a fairly slow adjustment while I source good, hearty, happy animal proteins but I’ll do this paleo thing and see what happens. One can only try!

I hope you learned something today 🙂 if it’s not for you, it could just be a good talking point at your next dinner party when someone comes up with “gluten free – it’s just a fad” and sparks an almost political like discussion.

run for fun (if not for anything else)

There’s a fun run tomorrow that I just heard about. I’m not usually a runner. I can run, I do run, but I’m not like “yeah! running! woo! let’s ALL do it! keeps us fit and young and virile and woo! running!” But this is a fun run. If they put the word “fun” in front of anything, I’m likely to want to do it.

There is a 5km, a 10km and a half marathon. It’s part of the front runner series that runs all through winter and wraps up end of November. There’s $30,000 worth of spot prizes and about 450 entrants, on average. Pretty good odds for winning a neat spot prize. Almost worth it to go huff and puff in the sun for a half hour or so.

I haven’t been running for a few weeks now. However, I have been biking regularly, doing yoga and the other day I did some aerobics (80s I know, but I loved it!) I’m not so unfit that I couldn’t attempt a fun run. It also has the option to walk. I think I’ll mix it up, live dangerous like; run AND walk. Ooooh…such a dare devil.

BUT, and there’s always a but…I won’t have access to a car tomorrow as Scott takes it to work. In order to get to the race starting point I might have to hitch. If I rode my bike there,I’d be buggered by the time I arrived and too tired to run. So, it’s my excuse not to do it. It’s the only excuse. Is it a good enough excuse? This was only ever going to be a spontaneous thing – I literally only heard about it 20 minutes ago. It’s not like I’d been planning to do it for weeks and had been all organised and trained and bought new shoes and a new sports bra and was telling everyone I’d do it. Apart from me writing about it now, there’s been no build up.

Do I just dismiss it and not go? Or do I ask Scott if he’ll bike to work tomorrow so I can take the car and do myself a wee fun run? Hopefully he’ll read this today and tell me to take the car before I chicken out of asking. Not because he’s scary and he’d say no, but because the easy option is to not ask as if the fun run never existed along with the idea to do it.

I always think far too much about doing things to the point that I’ve thought about it so much in my head that it’s kind of like I’ve done it already and don’t actually need to do it. I’d feel quite good if I did do it. But would I feel bad enough if I didn’t do it? Probably not…

Hmmm…to run or not to fun?